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| My brother-in-law Brandon put together my headboard for me this weekend! |
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| Thanks, Brandon!! It's great to have a big brother as my neighbor! :) |
Part 3 of my reflections from The Nesting Place by Myquillyn Smith...
Perhaps my
favorite thing that Myquillyn Smith advises us to do is to welcome guests into
our homes without apology. Myquillyn
writes about how she fell into the “apology trap.” She writes, “I always apologized for my home
to protect myself so people wouldn’t think I was a slob, or at least so they
would know that I acknowledge I can be a slob and that I’m not okay with it and
that really I have much higher standards than this and my house does not meet
my requirements.”[1]
For the
first few years that I worked at the church, I would apologize when someone
came into my office because it was messy.
One day I was apologizing for the “mess” when my friend Kate came in,
and she gave me a half-smile and said, “That’s what you said the last time I
came in here.”
Kate’s
words made me realize that my apologies were only distracting from my
interactions with people. The truth was and is that whenever I am preparing for
an event at church, my office suffers.
Extra Amazon boxes on the floor.
Random props on my chairs. Bigger
piles of papers on my desk. My office
suffers whenever I’m working on an event, but I realized…that is what my office
is for! My office was built to help me
and the ministries I lead function.
So why am I
apologizing for it? Am I apologizing because I think people will think worse of
me because of the mess? Am I apologizing
because I think people will think I am immature because I didn’t organize the
mess yet? Am I apologizing because I’m
not living up to my own clean-office standards?
(I’m sure my coworkers would laugh if they read that.) Am I apologizing because I wish I were
perfect at this but I’m totally not?
If you have
ever struggled with perfectionist tendencies (which I’d bet is true if you are
the firstborn child in your family), then please keep reading.
When I was
in high school, I was a perfectionist with my schoolwork. I was convinced that if I just worked harder,
if I just studied more, if I just stayed up later working on my papers, then I
would get the A+ grades that I needed to earn scholarships for college. This worked out all right until I started
taking Pre-calculus and Biology II during my junior year. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t get the A+
grades in those classes.
One night I
was crying about it, but I walked into my parents’ bedroom and told them I
would try even harder. My dad took my
hand, gave me a compassionate look, and told me to stop trying so hard. He said to stop worrying about it. He said they didn’t care if I got an A+ in
every class.
You might
know my dad and think that because he is a pastor, he is probably super
compassionate all the time. I will say
that my dad is very gentle and patient, but he’s not always—what’s the word?
Sensitive? Empathetic? Dad is calm and
easygoing and understanding and the best dad ever, but not very empathetic. So that
night when he took my hand and gave me that compassionate look, it took me off guard and made me
reconsider. I realized that my perfectionist striving was not healthy.
When it
comes to my office and my home and even my car, it doesn’t help to welcome guests with an
apology. It does help to tidy things up
the minutes before my guests arrive, but it does not help to say hello and then
say, “I’m sorry for this, I’m sorry for that, it’s just been so crazy, and I
was trying, but it’s just such a mess, and it’s driving me nuts, and I meant to
this morning, but then something came up, and it’s my fault, but it’s really
not, and I was waiting on that person to come pick this up and get it out of my
way, and I actually have a 3 more meetings this afternoon, but maybe I’ll start
cleaning and decorating and organizing the minute you leave.” The person who came to see me probably just
wants to leave because I’m apologizing/complaining/oozing discontent vibes.
I like what
Myquillyn says: “Imperfections bear
witness to the fact that we are normal, approachable, real people.”[2]
Amen and amen.
So lately
I’ve been holding my tongue when someone comes into my office and telling
myself, Mary, don’t focus on your mess;
focus on your guest. And I’ve been
holding my tongue when people come into my house because I want to apologize
for all the ways that my house is still unfinished, but why put a damper on the
celebration that I am finally living in the house that took me forever to
build?
Myquillyn
writes, “Don’t apologize for what you have. It makes guests feel uncomfortable,
it encourages discontentment, and if you’re married and your husband hears you
apologizing for what he’s provided, it could be hurtful.”[3]
This is now
my goal: I won’t welcome my guests with
an apology. I won’t apologize for not
being perfect. It’s sometimes hard for
me to hold my tongue, but I have found that it helps me to connect better with
my guests. It helps me to share my
gratitude for my house and my joy in being able to spend time with that person. It helps me to remember what Myquillyn says
is the secret to creating the home you’ve always wanted: It doesn’t have to be
perfect to be beautiful.[4] (Check out Myquillyn's blog for more of her house-beautifying advice.)
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| Finished! So beautiful! Can you tell I love it?!! |
[1] Smith,
Myquillyn. (2014). The Nesting Place: It Doesn’t Have to Be Perfect to Be Beautiful. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
[2] Smith,
Myquillyn. (2014). The Nesting Place: It Doesn’t Have to Be Perfect to Be Beautiful. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
[3] Smith,
Myquillyn. (2014). The Nesting Place: It Doesn’t Have to Be Perfect to Be Beautiful. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
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