What Ben Taught Us

Gio, Dave, & Ben looking sharp at prom 2009

            I usually feel like a little sister because I have 3 older sisters who spoil me.  I’ve looked up to them, enjoyed their hand-me-downs, and learned from their experiences.  But there was something that happened last year that made my heart feel like a big sister:

I helped my little brother Dave pick out his outfit for his friend’s funeral.  Which shirt and tie? Which shoes?  It felt so unreal—like a 26-year-old sister should help her 22-year-old brother pick out an outfit for a wedding or for a job interview, but not for his friend’s funeral.  It’s too tragic; it shouldn’t be a part of normal life.

            I was visiting my sister’s family in Kansas for Thanksgiving when I got the news that Ben Rogers had died in a motorcycle accident.  After Thanksgiving, my sister dropped me off at the airport.  As I waited to board my plane, I got on facebook and looked at all the photos Ben’s friends posted of him.  I read the captions describing their memories.  I looked at the pictures of my brother with Ben, and I sobbed there in the airport. 

            The word loss felt so tangible to me in that moment.  I thought of the song lyric, “The sharp knife of a short life.”  The loss felt so sharp and so unreal.  How could Ben’s life be cut short like this?  He was 22 years old. “The sharp knife of a short life” cut through our community.  In an instant, in the sharp pain, we realized that Ben and his huge personality and giving heart had touched so many, and no one wanted to imagine life without him.

            I thought of Ben’s smile when he’d walk through the door at my parents’ house as he came to pick Dave up to go somewhere.  I remember Ben and a few other guys—usually Chris and Gio—who would come over to play video games with Dave, and I’d roll my eyes at their teenage-guy jokes and not understand how they could eat so much food.  I thought about how Ben would sit on the couch with us to watch a ball game, and he’d tell some stories that would make us shake our head and laugh.   

            I thought of how I saw Ben almost every time I’d go to Marsh.  He’d be stocking the freezers, and I would pat his shoulder and say, “Hey, Ben!” as I walked through the aisle.  He’d turn around and give me his big smile.  Sometimes we’d chat for a few minutes.  After Dave decided not to go back to college in Kansas, I saw Ben in Marsh and asked him, “Did you hear that Dave is moving back to town?”

            Ben said, “Yeah.  I’m not sad about that.” He smiled, and I chuckled at how he was never shy about his loyalty and love for my brother.

Dave & Ben

            Dave remembers that he and Ben met each other as sophomores in their church youth group. Dave and Ben were in the same small group.  Dave said, “Before I knew Ben really well, I remember thinking he was fun, cool to talk to, and definitely really smart. If the small group leader asked what we talked about last week, Ben would be the first to remember.  His memory was better than everyone else’s.” 

            Ben’s mom Julie agrees that Ben had an impressive memory.  She told us that when Ben was little, he was never interested in TV, but when they’d go to see a movie, Ben could quote the lines out of the movie—even though he had only seen it once.  She especially remembers Ben doing this with the movie Elf.  It was the same with music. If he heard a song one time, he could come home and figure out how to play it on the piano. 

            Ben’s dad Chuck told us, “Ben had to want to remember it.”  We laughed because we knew that Ben was driven toward the things he liked, but could have easily forgotten things he didn’t care about.

            When Ben was in boy scouts, he mapped out his course and rode his bike 150 miles over a total of 7 different routes to earn the biking merit badge.  Some of  those routes went through Shelbyville.  Dave told us, “Every time we would be in Shelbyville, Ben would say, ‘I rode my bike through here.’ He could remember where all the roads went.”

            Once after Ben’s high school swim meet, Julie asked Ben if he wanted to ride home with her instead of riding the bus.  She knew he was hungry after swimming, and she thought he could eat sooner if he rode with her.  Unfortunately, Julie got lost since she was unfamiliar with the area. She was in tears, but Ben said, “Trust me, Mom, I’ve been out here on my bike.”  He remembered the roads, knew where to go, and got them home. 

            Ben also had a great memory when it came to his job at Marsh. Dave said, “When Ben, Chris, and I were working at Marsh together, we memorized the numeric codes for the produce.  Ben would open up the fridge at my house and say, ‘Hey, Dave, do you want 4008 on your sandwich? Or some 4508?’  And once at Chris’s house, we named off 8 different codes, and we thought we were pretty funny.”

Dave & Ben fake puking on the plane coming home from Brazil

            Dave said, “Our friendship took off when we on the Brazil mission trip together. Ben and I were friends before that, but we didn’t hang out much outside of church because we went to different schools.  But on the trip, he really wanted to sit next to me on the bus as we traveled around. He’d say, ‘Hey, Dave, you can sit here.’  He had my seat already there for me.”

            The guys loved the Brazilian food, and Dave remembers that Ben loved the bisteca and the churros. After their trip to Brazil, Ben and Dave had dinner a few times at the Brazilian restaurant Fogo de Chao in Indianapolis.  Ben was generous and paid for Dave’s dinner one time.  Ben’s brother Joey said that Ben would go about 3 days without food just to prepare for going to Fogo De Chao. They would stuff themselves with all the meat. 

            When they were in Brazil, the guys—Dave, Ben, Chris, and Josh—ate pizza for dinner one night.  Dave said, “Ben ate 18 slices of pizza.  I ate 13 or 14.  And Josh and Chris probably ate 15.”  Dave joked that Ben could put the food away.

Josh, Chris, Dave, & Ben after their big pizza meal in Brazil

            My parents called Ben the human garbage disposal.  He would always eat leftovers out of our fridge. He’d ask if he could eat something, and my mom would warn him that it was probably too old.  But he’d taste it and say, “No, this is still good. This would be good for another 2 days.”  So when Mom had a lot of leftovers, she’d joke that we needed to invite Ben over. J

            His mom Julie said Ben wasn’t always like that.  When he was younger, he didn’t have a big appetite.  But then as he got older, and they were eating their holiday meals, he’d say, “I’m going to try that this time.”  All of sudden, he’d eat anything. 

            I asked if Ben had any favorite foods beside meat.

            “Green beans,” Ben’s dad Chuck said. “He could put away a large can all by himself.” 

            Julie said that he also loved cake and Grandma’s apple pies! J

            Dave said that once they were at some friends’ house, and they showed them their dirt bike.  Ben knew how to do it right away and was popping wheelies.  When it was Dave’s turn, he killed it a few times and finally figured it out.  Then when it was Chris’s turn, he ran the bike straight into the thorn bush.  Ben never let them forget that.

            Ben’s older brother Joey said, “Ben kept bugging me to let him drive my truck.”  Ben had never driven a stick shift before, but he kept bugging Joey about it.  Joey said he finally gave in and let him drive, and surprisingly—or not surprisingly because Ben was good at that stuff—Ben figured it out quickly.

            Ben also was persistent and persuasive with his parents in letting him do new things.  Chuck joked, “Ben could talk a hobo into hiring him.” 

            Julie said, “He would plead his case with me beautifully, and as a mom, I’d think, I’m not going to win this one.  I’d tell Ben, ‘You should just be a lawyer!’”

            Once Ben and Chris were spending time with Dave and our family at the lake.  It was the 4^th of July, and they decided to build a sparkler bomb.

            I asked Dave, “What in the world is a sparkler bomb?”

            “You take like 1,000 sparklers and a bunch of electrical tape, smash them all together, and tape it all up, leaving one for a fuse to light it… Ben was so driven toward the sparkler bomb.  He was like, ‘We’re going to make this happen.’ 

            “It takes a good whole day to make it.  We put it under a bucket. When we lit it off, we ran about 50 yards away, and shards of the bucket were flying past our face.  It was the loudest boom I’d ever heard.”

            Ben was laughing as he ran. Later that night, Dave remembers Ben laying there in bed and smiling because he was so proud of himself and the sparkler bomb they made.  He was saying, “I’m going to show Gio; Gio will really like it.” 

Another impressive project by Chris, Ben, & Dave

            Even though Ben and Dave didn’t go to the same school, Ben came to several of Dave’s basketball games and found his way into the student cheer block. Ben didn’t know the other students from Dave’s school, but by the end of the season, Ben was leading the cheer block in cheers. Dave remembers at his sectional game, Ben was leading the cheer, “Alligator, alligator, eat ‘em up, eat ‘em up!” The whole cheer block was doing it with him! 

            Dave was lucky to have the best cheerleader rooting for him.  For those who knew Ben, it’s easy to imagine his big smile and gusto in a cheer block.  Ben’s focus was to cheer others on—to be there for his friends to encourage them.

            Julie remembers that Ben would tell her, “I’m going to Dave’s for a little bit.”  She never thought about the distance. It wasn’t until they went to Dave’s graduation open house that Ben’s parents realized Dave’s house wasn’t just down the road, but was actually 20 miles away.  But Ben didn’t let the distance get in the way of their friendship. 

            It was hard to be as close when Dave moved to Kansas to go to college.  But Dave remembers when he told Ben that he’d be moving back to Indiana for good, Ben said, “That’s the best decision you’ve made in awhile, Dave.”

            A few months after that, Dave told Ben that he wanted to plant churches.  Ben told him, “If the Lord told you to do it, then you need to do it.” 

            Dave said, “He trusted me—that this was what I should pursue.  He seemed to be real heartwarming toward me because I chose that. He encouraged me in ministry even though he could have pushed me toward business.” 

  

            At the time of Ben’s accident, Ben was a full-time manager at Marsh, a full-time college student, a volunteer at the Fire Department, and worked on the snow and ice removal crew for Eli Lilly.  He would work an hour 8-hour shift at Marsh and then a 12-hour shift for snow removal.  And Dave remembers that even after working hard at two shifts, he would still take time to text his friends to see if they wanted to hang out.  So we can see that in addition to being a full-time manager and a full-time student, Ben was a full-time friend.

            I asked Dave, “What is something you learned from Ben?”

            Dave said, “Just to be more aware of others than myself.  Ben was always aware of what I needed to be doing, even in the little things.  He would say, ‘Dave, you need to try these chicken wings.’ Or ‘Dave, you shouldn’t go on the interstate because there’s construction; you should go the other way instead.’”

            Ben’s older sister Rachel said that this is what she learned from Ben: She learned to take her responsibilities seriously and take every chance to be with people who need and want to be with her.  Rachel and Joey miss their baby brother like no words can express, but they have been inspired by how well he loved his friends.

            The more we hear stories from Ben’s friends, the more we realize how incredibly others-focused Ben was.  Ben looked out for his friends.  Dave remembers Ben looking out for girls he was friends with and telling them, “I don’t think you need to date him. You could do better.” 

            Dave said, “Ben had such an intrinsic motor.  People to see, people to talk to.  He could be close to so many people.”  Ben’s dad Chuck agrees.

            Chuck said that Ben always accepted people where they were.  At Ben’s funeral, Chuck was amazed at how many young people came up to him, shook his hand, and said, “Ben was my best friend.”  Ben took the time to spend with his friends and was able to be really close with so many. Dave joked that Ben probably would have been the best man in at least 10 weddings.  

            Today I saw a quote about friendship that reminded me of Ben:  “Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.”[1] Ben knew something about friendship that most people don’t get. 

            I asked Chuck and Julie if they learned new things about Ben from the stories that his friends shared after his death. 

            “Absolutely,” Chuck said. “He was another person outside of our family.” 

            Julie agrees.  She said, “Ben had a ministry outside of our family that I didn’t know about.  I think I know my kids really well—and I do—but Ben had a ministry with his friends that I didn’t realize he had… But as a mom, I can learn. I often wanted him to stay home more and relax with family.  Now I can see how God was using him with his friends.” 

            I like the way Julie said Ben had a ministry with his friends.  The Apostle Paul tells us in the Bible, “Be devoted to one another in love.  Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10).  That verse describes Ben; that’s what his life was about.  As Chuck considered the good that Ben did with his friends, he said, “Ben lived more in 22 years than I have in my lifetime.” 

            A few weeks ago, on November 26, it was the 1-year anniversary of Ben’s death.  Dave was at my house that night and said, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s been a year since he’s been gone.”  I know Dave would have given anything to have more time with Ben. 

            When I think back to last November when Ben died, my most prominent memory is the image of my brother Dave, Chris, Gio, Joey, and other young men who carried Ben’s casket through the cemetery.  These were young men—but to me, they were also young boys that I had watched grow up through their high school and college years.  I suddenly felt guilty for rolling my eyes in the past at their teenage-guy jokes and eating habits; I suddenly understood that at the time, I had failed to recognize how special and important their friendship was.

            As I watched them carry the casket, I kept thinking, These guys should have been Ben’s groomsmen, not his pallbearers.  The sight was impossible to process.  Absolutely impossible.  Whenever I think of that memory, I feel the stab of “the sharp knife of a short life” all over again. 

            But then in the pain that I feel for Ben’s family and friends, I can see a redeeming light even in that impossible scene at the cemetery.  The young men who carried Ben’s casket had all been touched by Ben’s sacrificial love.  They had all been made stronger by Ben’s encouragement.  They had all been blessed because of the fun Ben included them in. 

            It’s easy to focus on what these young men lost because Ben’s life ended too quickly.  But I like to think now of the rare gift these young men had through their friendship with Ben.  Because of Ben, they had the opportunity to experience a level of friendship that most people have never had.  Because of Ben, they can now offer friendship to others on the same level that Ben gave to them.  

            Ben’s death helped me to face the reality that life is short, life is fragile, and that today is the day to love well.  Today is the day to be devoted to one another in love and to honor others (Romans 12:10).  Today is the day to remember Ben’s example.  Today is the day to love well. 

            So as a big sister, that’s my prayer for my little brother—that he would not only focus on the hope of seeing Ben again in heaven, but also that he would love well and consider others’ needs above his own. 

            From all of us, I want Ben to know…  Ben, it’s been a year now that you haven’t been with us, and we miss you like crazy!  I imagine you in heaven, playing the piano, smiling big, and enjoying feasts.  Thank you for teaching us so much about friendship!

Chris, Dave, & Ben...
Ben's shirt says "Jesus Christ."  So cool to think that Ben is with Jesus now because of his faith in Christ.   "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life." (John 3:!6)

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[1] Quote by Muhammad Ali.  http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/friendship