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| This is why it's important to live close to family members. lol |
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| My sister Rachel said, "Hey, this pizza is the first meal in your house!" :) |
People sometimes ask me what I do to try to find a husband.
To this question, I reply that I do 2 things:
1. I laser off my mustache.
2. I ask God for a good husband.
Number 1 doesn’t need much explanation—just my personal
preference and my lot in life as a brunette.
Number 2 comes from the view I now hold about marriage and
dating.
When I was 19, my perspective about marriage shifted. Up until that point, I figured that I
deserved a good husband, and he would simply show up at my door when the time
was right. That’s a narrow summary of it, but if you think it sounds a little
bit like an entitlement mentality, then I think you’re right.
We’ve all heard of how the generation of millennials has
developed an entitlement mentality, which has resulted in them being
narcissistic, whiny, and sometimes unwilling to work hard to achieve. I cringe at this because I’m in the
millennial generation, and I hate to think I could be described in this
way.
Even so, lately I’m wondering if this is where my view on
dating and marriage began. As a
teenager, I had been really “successful” at being single, so it was easy (and I
would add, appropriate) to focus on other things rather than worrying about finding
a husband. I figured I deserved a good
husband, and I guess I just expected it to happen without much prayer or effort
on my part.
But then it seemed like the year I was 19 was the year of
divorce for my family members and close friends. I grieved for 6 divorces that year. The hardest for me, of course, was my
sister’s divorce. I was a freshman in
college. I went home for the weekend to
spend my 19th birthday with my family. When I walked in the door, I knew something
was wrong. My mom explained the
situation to me—all the details that would eventually be the end of my sister’s
marriage. We prayed and cried together
that weekend and just stared into space wondering how long it would take until
we felt whole again. Then I went back to my college on Sunday night. My friends greeted me with “Happy Birthday!”
and chocolate cake, but I couldn’t smile; I could only blurt out, “We found out
my sister’s husband is cheating on her.” I’m pretty sure I still ate the cake,
though. Thank God for chocolate.
So while other girls in my dorm were crying over their
boyfriends breaking up with them, I was crying for my sister. I tried to sort out my thoughts and emotions
and beliefs, but the only conclusion I could come to is that divorce can often
be even more devastating than death.
Thankfully, I was also taking a theology class that
year. My prof was Dr. Bounds, and I was
pretty much blown away by every lecture.
In one class, he began talking with us about whether or not praying to
God makes a difference. Can prayer actually
change what happens next? This is a
valid question.
I had always believed that God hears our prayers and that it
is important to pray. But did I really
believe when I pray, God will always
respond somehow…and did I really believe that if I don’t pray about something,
then I’m forfeiting my opportunity to ask God to do something about it? If I
don’t pray specific things, will I miss God showing up in specific ways?
Somehow my mind connected this topic with marriage. Because I had realized how difficult finding
(and keeping) a good spouse could be, I felt that I needed to specifically ask
God for a good husband instead of just expecting it to happen. It didn’t matter whether or not I thought I
“deserved” it; it mattered that I looked to God to provide.
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| My friend Sarah met me for breakfast and then came to check out the house! |
I read Jesus’ teachings on prayer in Luke 11. He said, “Which of you fathers, if your son
asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will
give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good
gifts to your children, how much more
will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!” From this passage, I was seeing that God is
our Father in heaven who wants His children to come to Him and ask Him for what
they need or desire. As our Father, He
delights in giving good gifts to His children.
On the last night Jesus had with his disciples before He was
arrested to be crucified, He gave them a metaphor: “I am the vine; you are the branches…. If you remain in me and my words remain in
you, ask whatever you wish, and it
will be done for you. This is to my
Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my
disciples” (John 15:5, 7-8).
I think this metaphor helps us to understand that God wants
us to remain connected and close to Him.
The result will be that when we come to God and ask, He will respond and
answer according to the Father’s glory. He is the God of an unseen supply, and
He has all power and authority to make anything happen. Plus, He loves to spoil His children with
good gifts, so this is a good combo for a Gift-Giver.
This is why when I was 19, I began asking God for the gift
of a good husband. Instead of expecting
it to happen, I humbly asked God for it.
I began to view a good husband as a gift instead of something I was
entitled to. And just like any good gift
recipient, I cannot demand for the gift to be given to me at a certain time or
in a certain way. I gladly give over the
element of surprise to the Gift-Giver.
But what about those who have prayed and asked God for a
good spouse for years and years, and God still hasn’t answered their
prayer? I really appreciate what Annie
Downs writes about this: “[Singleness]
goes deeper than being alone at the dinner table or in the bed. If you’re a
Christian and being a wife is something you have longed for and prayed for,
having that desire unmet can get super personal between you and God. It changes
from an unmet desire to an unanswered prayer. And no matter what Garth Brooks says,
sometimes it does not feel possible to thank God for unanswered prayers.”[1]
I’ve been staring at my laptop and humming that Garth Brooks
song for about 20 minutes because I don’t know how to follow that quote. I can only say that my heart aches for Annie
Downs and for everyone who has ever felt that way.
It’s true that often God doesn’t answer prayers in the
timing that we wanted or in the way we wanted.
And I know that hurts. I’m sorry
for your pain, and I’m sorry for the couple who is struggling with infertility,
and I’m sorry for the little boys who are going to lose their daddy to cancer,
and I’m sorry for the mamas around the world who don’t have enough food or
medicine for their children. I’m so sorry.
Please know that God sees every tear you cry, He cares, and He aches for
you.
Please believe that God is still good, still loving, and
still listening. This might sound
simplistic, but life is short, and everyone suffers somehow, and the best
choice is for us to still place our trust in our Father in heaven. Don’t ever forget that one day we will have
no more suffering![2]
But until that day, my goal is to keep my heart tender and
never demand anything from God. (Now
there is a difference between demanding and begging. I feel that it’s totally
fine to beg God for something that is needed.
I do this often when I’m praying that God will provide volunteer leaders
for our children’s ministry. I don’t mind following the example of the
persistent widow in Jesus’ parable in Luke 18:1-8. J) It’s my goal to keep
asking, keep seeking, and keep knocking[3]
at God’s door for Him to provide for my every need—including a good husband.
But sometimes people have become frustrated with me and
think that my game plan of asking God is not enough pro-activeness to catch a
husband. Sometimes when I opt out of a social activity, people will say, “How
are ever you going to meet anyone?” It’s easy to begin to feel a little guilty
and wonder if what I thought was my trust in God is really me slacking off. I think this can be a dilemma that many
Christian singles wrestle with.
Anna Broadway writes, “The older I get, the easier and more tempting it is to
panic that waiting and spending my life doing something besides seeking love
will leave me an elderly spinster who could have married if only she hadn't
left things up to God. Is He a matchmaker…or should I pursue the course of
Abraham's servant, who combined trust in God's sovereignty with a plan to
choose a bride for his aging master's son?”[4]
Anna
Broadway is referring to Genesis 24, when Abraham sends a servant back to his
hometown to find a bride for his son.
This is the type of arranged-marriage-pro-activeness that some might
lean towards. My feeling is this: God
must still be the One to orchestrate the marriage (which actually is what
happened with Abraham’s son Isaac and his bride Rebecca). We find out quickly that we can’t force this
any more than a couple struggling with infertility can force the conception of
their child.
If
you’re single, and this info has made you feel dizzy, don’t worry. My friends and I can relate. These are the things we talk about in between
discussing our new face wash and how cute our nieces and nephews are and the
things that stressed us out at work this week.
We get to be honest with each other and then make jokes and laugh
together.
My
absolute favorite joke about being single comes from a comic that shows a woman
talking on the phone. She yells into the
phone, “Huh? What’d you say? I can’t hear you over the sound of my BIOLOGICAL
CLOCK TICKING!!”
Man,
I love this joke. It makes me belly-laugh every time I tell it. :) :) :)
Did it make you laugh too? I guess I’m laughing at it because I know
what it is in that woman’s flustered mind: the complexity of worrying about her age and
wanting to start a family and being frustrated with guys who never call. It could drive you crazy if you’re not
careful, which seems to be what happened to the woman in the comic. But the reason I can laugh (instead of cry or
pout) at the comic is because I really do trust that God has a good plan for
me. And I believe that my friends and I are—as Shauna Niequist writes—“significant
with or without a significant other.”[5]
So
here’s what I do. This is my piece of
the plan and my peace in the plan: I
listen to God, and if He tells me to do something, then I will do it.
Here’s
what I don’t do: I don’t fret about not
doing enough to catch a husband because I am convinced that God will tell me
when I need to do something. For example, when I was in college, God confirmed
to me in 3 different ways to have an important conversation with one of my guy
friends. If I am praying for God’s
guidance, I know He will give these kinds of confirmations to me again. And listen, if God made it clear to me to buy
land and build a house (see this story in http://myseventeenweeks.blogspot.com/2014/06/week-2-buying-land.html),
then I know He will make it clear to me if ever I need to bat my eyelashes at
some guy or go on a blind date or sign up for online dating.
Last
Saturday, I had a pizza dinner with 5 single women. I admire these girls and am
thankful for their friendship. I asked them the question: What do you do—or
don’t do—to try to find a husband? They
laughed at me when I said I laser off my mustache, and then they shared some
things they do.
Some joked about getting their
eyebrows done.
Some talked about wearing make-up to
certain places.
Some were comfortable with online dating,
and some were not.
Some said they do not feel like they
should actually do anything right now besides focus on their relationship with
God.
I think all of us shared how God had
given us specific visions or dreams or promptings to reassure us of His timing
and His plan for our lives.
I
drove away that night with a little leftover pizza and a lot of
gratefulness. My friends and I are
different ages and have had different experiences, but we have the same Father
in heaven. We have each learned—sometimes in painful ways—that we don’t have to
worry and strive after the important things in life. We simply must all learn to ask our Father in
Heaven for our needs and trust that God will provide.
P.S.
Next week I will post “Singleness, Part 3,” which will include the rest of the
thoughts from my friends at our dinner last week. We talked about their responses to my posts
and other issues related to being single:
making the most out of our singleness, physical temptation, living
alone, God’s sovereignty, etc. Look for it next week!
Also,
it’s worth reading the articles that I quoted from in this post:
“When
a Comment Breaks Your Heart” by Annie Downs: http://www.incourage.me/2012/02/when-a-comment-breaks-your-heart.html.
“Is
There a Christian Formula for Online Dating?” by Anna Broadway: http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2013/march/is-there-christian-formula-for-online-dating.html?paging=off.
“You
Are Significant With or Without a Significant Other” by Shauna Niequist: http://www.shaunaniequist.com/significant-without-significant/.
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| I love this stone! |
[1]
Downs, Annie. (2012). “When a Comment
Breaks Your Heart.” Retrieved from (in)courage
on August 23, 2014. http://www.incourage.me/2012/02/when-a-comment-breaks-your-heart.html.
[2]
Revelation 21:1-4: Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first
heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I
saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God,
prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne
saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell
with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be
their God. ‘He
will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning
or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
[3]
Luke 11:9
[4]Broadway,
Anna. (2013). “Is There a Christian
Formula for Online Dating?” Retrieved from Her.meneutics
on August 22, 2014. http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2013/march/is-there-christian-formula-for-online-dating.html?paging=off.
[5]
Niequist, Shauna. (2014). “You Are Significant With Or Without a Significant
Other.” Retrieved from ShaunaNiequist.com on August 30, 2014. http://www.shaunaniequist.com/significant-without-significant/.
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