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| They installed my HVAC this week! |
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| After a few weeks of hot & humid weather, I was thankful to be able to turn on the AC! |
Did I mention that I didn’t want to write about being
single? Just because blah, I’d rather
talk about other things. But there’s something about speaking about what you
know, what you’re in the middle of right now.
A few years ago my friend spoke at our church’s women’s
retreat about the challenges of her engagement—how she and her fiancé had made
the commitment to stay within the boundaries to not have sex before marriage,
but they had faced many struggles through that.
She spoke to the group and shared what God had taught her through her
engagement… at the very time when she was right in the middle of her
engagement. She wasn’t reminiscing. She was speaking in real time.
And I so, so, so wish I would have filmed her speaking. But I still remember what she said and the
other women’s reactions to her story.
She was a strong, credible voice—not an echo that isn’t loud enough to
hear, not a fuzzy public service announcement over the loud speaker that people
ignore. She was a voice speaking in the middle of her season, and we all
stopped and listened and later told our family and friends about what she said.
Remembering how my friend was brave enough to tell her
engagement story at our retreat is what pushed me to go ahead and write about
being single. The time is now, not in 10
years when I can’t even remember what it felt like.
I had the idea of inviting some single girls to dinner to
discuss the topic with them. I wanted
their perspectives to add value and balance to my posts. We
could meet at Erin’s house next weekend.
I pulled out my laptop to begin emailing them with this odd
invitation and then remembered that I should probably ask Erin if she’s good
with hosting the dinner. I’ve known Erin
as one of my best friends since we were in 1st grade, so I don’t mind inviting
myself over, but I should probably check before I invite a whole group.
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| Erin, Me, & Amy :) |
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| They came to check out my house this weekend! |
Erin was cool with it, so I went ahead and invited my other
friends. The next day I had doubts about
writing about this, but I had already invited my friends, so I couldn’t abandon
the idea yet.
The next Saturday I was able to meet with my friend Amy for
lunch to get her thoughts, then ran some errands and got to Erin’s house early to
put some things for dinner in her fridge.
Erin and I have logged in many miles together walking and jogging along
the country roads by her parents’ house and my parents’ house. We spent years
talking not only about family and work and which professional athletes we had
celebrity crushes on, but also about finally getting our own places. We emailed each other the photos of houses we
were interested in, and we even went with each other to look at houses. We thought it was fun and fitting that Erin
closed on her house exactly 1 week before I closed on the construction loan for
my house.
Since we had time before the other girls arrived, I lay down
on her couch and read. Her couch is a
comfy reading spot, and whenever I’m there in her living room, I look around
and think of how I love how she set up the room. Her lamps have these beautiful shades that
she found, and her blue curtains for her big window are seriously perfect. The curtains have birds in the design, and
then she has trendy, birdcage décor on her walls.
I’m impressed with how Erin budgeted and saved and diligently
sought out the right place for her to make her first home, how she carefully
collected the household items she needed and creatively brought everything
together to make it cozy. I thought of
her when I read Shauna Niequist’s words:
“Why should you have to be married to own a decent knife? ...Grown-ups
should have good knives and nightstands and homes that have been created with
love and attentiveness. You don’t have
to wait for a partner to invest in your space, in yourself, in your life.”[1] I agree, and I’m celebrating how my friend
has taken the initiative and responsibility to create her home.
Soon Erika, DeJo, and Emily arrived at Erin’s house. After dinner, I apologized for taking over
the conversation and passed out the 2 articles I wrote about singleness. “It feels weird forcing you to read what I
wrote, but I did give you fair warning in my email.” They laughed and then
picked up the papers and began reading.
Our conversations over the next 2 hours (as well as my
conversation with Amy that day at lunch) swirled around five themes. I’d like to share with you the insights of my
friends—all single women ranging in age from 26 to 33, who have grown up in the
Midwest and who are devoted in their relationship with Christ. We’re not reminiscing here; we’re speaking in
real time.
1. We love to hate
limitations.
In my post,
“Singleness, Part 1: Seasons” (http://myseventeenweeks.blogspot.com/2014/08/singleness-part-1-seasons.html),
I write about having limitations. About
half of my friends said that they really didn’t like the word limitations. They didn’t like saying that singleness is a
limitation because it makes it sounds like someone who is single is
flawed. One friend said that if we’re
focusing on the flaws of the season, then we aren’t focusing on God’s
sovereignty.
We all
agreed that we believe that someone is not flawed because of her singleness,
but we teased out the connotation of that word.
One friend said, “On one hand, being single is a limitation, but it’s
not in and of itself a limitation.” We
talked about the limitations of other seasons of life, and then we brainstormed
how limitations have played out for us recently.
Two of my
friends talked about the limitation of buying a house alone and living alone.
One said that she experienced lots of tears and frustration when trying to buy
a house; choosing which house to buy on her own was so hard, and she often
wondered, Why can’t I just decide? The other said that when she first bought her
house and moved in, the loneliness was overwhelming, and she thought, Oh my goodness, I’m by myself now.
Two of my
other friends discussed the limitations they have experienced traveling as single
women. My friends have served in
short-term and long-term missions work, and so they have had to take
precautions in where they could go and who would be with them. Of course, they also shared that their
singleness has given them some extra freedom to travel and participate in cool
opportunities.
Finally,
one friend said, “I haven’t decided if I like the word limitation or not, but there is some truth to it.”
2. Singleness is a
gift.
After they
read Part 1 about seasons, I asked them, “Do you think it’s even worthwhile to
talk about our season of life?”
One
responded, “It’s definitely important to talk about it because we should always
be aware, so we can be grounded…. When
people try to tell us what to do, we can have a confidence in our season.”
As we
talked about the season of singleness, the girls were quick to remind me that
singleness is a gift. One friend said
that she remembers that God spoke to her one day and asked, “Have you opened up
your gift of singleness yet? Have you taken it off the shelf and unwrapped
it?” This inspired her to make a
pre-marriage bucket list of things to accomplish and enjoy as a single woman.
One friend
pulled out her phone and read me a quote from Elisabeth Elliot: “Single life may only be a stage of a life’s
journey, but even a stage is a gift. God may replace it with another gift, but
the receiver accepts His gifts with thanksgiving. This gift for this day! The
life of faith is lived one day at a time, and it has to be lived—not always
looked forward to as though the ‘real’ living were around the next corner. It is today for which we are responsible. God
still owns tomorrow.”[2]
Some shared
how they have struggled with this season, but they do not want to be paralyzed
in it. They recognize God’s sovereignty
in where they are now, and they are yielding to the shaping process of the
season. As I listened to all the girls
share about how their goal is to enjoy the season and to honor God in every way
that they can in their season, I felt so much admiration for them. I know these
are high-caliber women, but I also know that their excess of joy and love
(instead of bitterness) shows how God has been faithful to walk each step with
them.
3. Comparison
Questions
After
reading my article, “Singleness, Part 2” (http://myseventeenweeks.blogspot.com/2014/09/week-13-singleness-part-2-what-do-you.html),
one friend told me that she liked how I said that I figured out that I don’t
“deserve” a good husband. She said that
sometimes she has struggled with thinking, I’m
a good Christian woman. Why is this happening for others, but not for me? She said that it’s easy to get caught up
in comparing what she’s done and what others have done and who deserves
what.
Another
said that she can relate to the Why? questions of God, are you kidding me? I’m a good Christian girl, I’ve been praying
about this, so why hasn’t it happened for me when it’s happening for others? She
said that when she watches her friends get married and have kids, it’s great to
celebrate with them, but she has asked God, Why
not me? But in the same breath, she
said that God has taught her to embrace it and to enjoy it. This leads to the next theme of joy and
trust.
4. Joy and Trust
We began to
discuss the topic of unfulfilled desires. The girls referenced Psalm 37:4: “Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will
give you the desires of your heart.” They believe that God gives us desires for
a reason—that if we’re willing, God will mold our desires into His
desires. One friend said that whenever
she has felt pain over unfulfilled desires, she has prayed, God, my heart is Yours. Just replace my
desires with Yours. She recognized that our joy comes from God, not from
our circumstances.
One of the
girls said that she’s learned that in the midst of unfulfilled desires, she
must keep her heart from becoming jaded.
She said it hinges on this question:
Do I trust God?
Do I trust
God if dating might break my heart again?
Do I trust
God if singleness is a lifelong status instead of just a season?
Do I trust
God to know and to do what is best for me?
Do I trust
Him?
My friends shared stories and convictions to affirm that God
gives joy, God gives peace, God gives comfort, God gives encouragement and
purpose. God is trustworthy. One recommended the song “Who You Are” by JJ
Heller: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8jilr8qsYU.
5. Physical
temptation is not just for guys.
One friend
didn’t hold back in saying, “I don’t like it when pastors or authors minimize
girls’ sex drive. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t be struggling with this
temptation. But that’s just a
stereotype.” She then recommended the
book No Stones: Women Redeemed from
Sexual Addiction by Marnie C. Ferree.
Some of the other girls then talked about how they are committed to
saving sex for marriage, but they still think it will be really hard. We talked about being cautious versus being
legalistic when it comes to physical boundaries within a dating relationship and also how our
perspectives have changed on this topic since we were teenagers.
If we had dinner together again next week, I’d probably have
5 more themes to share with you. But
this post is long enough now, so I hope you have enjoyed it and were able to
glean something from my friends’ insights.
Thanks again to Amy, Erin, DeJo, Emily, and Erika for your willingness
to share your voice!
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| My nieces & nephew think I painted my laundry room yellow to support their school mascot. Sure--Go Yellow Jackets!! |
[1]
Niequist, Shauna. (2014). “You Are Significant With or Without a Significant
Other.” Retrieved from www.shaunaniequist.com
on September 6, 2014. http://www.shaunaniequist.com/significant-without-significant/.
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